Prayer

One of the things I have struggled with most on this journey is prayer.  In the early days after Collin's diagnosis, full of anguish and love and fear and thrown into a completely unfamiliar environment of hospitalization and chemotherapy and blood counts and a child's life threatening illness - my prayers were full of hope.  Demanding, really.  It was my belief, at that time, that if Collin HAD to get cancer.  And it HAD to be AML.  And it HAD to be an unfavorable subtype.  Well, the least God could do is to make the journey as smooth as possible.  I prayed for remission after the first round of chemotherapy.  I prayed for no infections.  I prayed for a quick and easy recovery.  I prayed that the chemotherapy would completely destroy the cancer and we could heal our baby and get back to "normal" life.  And I believed, with my whole heart, that these prayers would be answered.

But none of these prayers were answered in the way that I wanted.

Collin did not reach remission after the first round of chemo.  He did suffer with infections.  His recovery was not quick or easy.  The cancer was destroyed but we did not get back to a normal life - spending over 11 months in the hospital and watching our baby suffer almost unbearable horrors.

And at first, I was angry.  And I was desperate.  A desperate mother pleading for the life of her baby.

But as time went on, and our struggle went on, my prayer became simple.  Healing.  In any way, in any time, through any struggle that we would have to endure - please, God.  Heal him.

Please God.  Heal him.  Please.

And we did see healing.  Truly a miraculous healing that brought him from the edge of death back to our arms and our home.  We celebrated a late Christmas, his 2nd birthday, a wonderful day on safari, his 1 year transplant anniversary, and Mothers day.  We enjoyed each day.  We rocked him, played with him, slept beside him, fed him, loved him, kissed him, hugged him.  Beautiful, beautiful, fragile life.

Please God.  Heal him.

But in the end, even that prayer was not answered in the way that I wanted.  My baby died.  My baby boy died.


Please God.  Help me.
Please God.  Be near.



In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  Romans 8:26