Failed

I feel like I failed him.  Two weeks ago.

And as much as I try to tell myself that we did everything we could, I know there were things we could have done differently.  Maybe it would have saved his life.  Maybe not.

But I didn't realize how serious it was.  I had no idea that I was going to lose him.  Within minutes.  And I looked into those beautiful eyes and told him that I loved him.  That Daddy loved him.  But I couldn't help him.

And I am so sorry.  I am so very sorry, baby.

Numbness turns to Sadness

Eleven Days.  It has been 11 days since I lost my son.  11 days since I looked into those beautiful eyes and told him that I loved him.  Just 12 days since I held him.  12 days since I rocked him to sleep and put him down next to me for a nap.  12 days since I fed him, played with him, lived with him.


It was a normal day.  Or at least it started out that way.  And later we were a little worried, but the symptoms were so vague.  We put him down for a nap, and he seemed okay.  But when he woke up, we knew something was wrong. Called the doctor.  Took him to the hospital.  On the way, he waved at the birds - offered to feed them his bottle.  And we weren't even all that concerned.  We had no idea.  No idea that we would lose him within the day.


The reality of our loss is beginning to set in, and it is so painful.  I miss him.  I miss everything about him.